happiness

The emotions we attach to belongings when we’re grieving – and how to let them go

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When decluttering, it’s not always as simple as deciding if you practically need something or not.

You can’t always pick up a belonging, decide whether or not it sparks joy, and then let it go.

It’s not about getting rid of multiples, or ‘just in case’ items, or things that no longer serve their purpose.

It’s sometimes a little more complicated than that.

Sure, those factors can certainly help you to declutter the possessions that you don’t have much of an emotional attachment to – you don’t need duplicates, broken things, ‘rainy day’ items or impractical pieces – but these dispassionate factors don’t make it any easier to let go of things when feelings are involved. And especially when we are grieving.

That’s because, sometimes, the item you’re considering decluttering is more than just the item. It’s the sentiment behind it. The emotion you feel when it’s around. The positives (or the negatives) it brings to your life.

Happiness, nostalgia, duty, sadness, peacefulness, regret, longing, love, sentimentality, guilt.

All of these feelings could be triggered by an item and could determine whether or not you’ll find it hard to let it go, even if you want to.

So, it’s important to analyse the emotional attachment you have to the belongings you choose to keep and discover whether they are serving you well or causing more harm than good.

Grief

It’s often the case that we gain extra possessions after a bereavement. We might have been kindly left something by the deceased person or we might need to clear out a relative’s home when they go into care or die.

And, when we are already coping with such a difficult time and a complex set of emotions, it can feel like the easiest thing to do is to hold on to items and deal with them later when we feel better able to.

The difficulty with items that come to us during a bereavement is that we feel a duty to keep them. To preserve the memory of the person by cherishing their belongings.

Displaying a physical reminder of the person feels like we are honouring them. Like we are keeping them with us. Sentimental items allow us to reminisce, they serve as a prompt to remind us of the good times. That’s when an item becomes so much more than an item.

After a person dies, many of their most meaningful possessions become family heirlooms, seen by those left behind as for ever containing the lost person’s essence. 

Christian Jarrett (2013)

However, it might be the case that you’ve gained too many pieces and the other person’s belongings have taken over space within your home – and therefore, space within your mind. You might also find it difficult to see the items every day and be reminded that the person is no longer with you.

But it feels wrong to call it clutter. Simply clearing it out seems uncaring – the person meant something to you, so their belongings seem like they should be cherished too.

You may want to keep some pieces. There might be important items that are special to you, that encapsulate your relationship with the person. Things that make you happy to see them – nostalgic, joyful, whistful – anything that brings positive thoughts and emotions into your body is worth holding on to, if that’s what you want.

But we do already have our own possessions that fill our homes and our time, without adding another person’s belongings into the mix. You’re not being heartless if you’re considering giving any of it up, especially if you’re finding it stressful to have more items in your rooms that you’re comfortable with.

If it’s making you sad to see the items, to feel unsettled in your space, to feel guilty about having them (or letting them go) you may need to rethink whether it’s worth hanging onto someone else’s item if it is having a negative impact on your life. Deciding what to keep and what to let go can be supremely important in this instance.

The end of an era

Of course, grief doesn’t only apply to the death of a person. It could refer to the end of a relationship, a friendship that’s run its course, or a period of time – ‘the end of an era’.

Anything that triggers an emotional response can throw up the same feelings of guilt, sadness, duty, despondency, regret – or on the flip side – joy, sentimentality, contentment, well-being and so on.

Again, it can be tempting to hold on to items that remind us of the time or honour the person. And if you feel it’s positive to do so, there’s no harm in adding possessions to your collection.

But, you can also use the decluttering process to emotionally cleanse. Letting go of physical items can be a powerful demonstration of how willing you are to move on from that time in your life.

Consider the emotional attachment you have to the things you keep around you. Do you have decor around your apartment that you got during a particularly crappy time in your life? Let those things go, but decide what to let go by thinking about what they make you feel.

Brianna Wiest (2017) pp.179

It’s true that simply having residual things from a negative time around can be triggering. It can feel cathartic to ditch those items and start afresh. Perhaps it’ll be a strong signifier to yourself that you’re willing to change or to imagine a different life ahead.

Cleaning and organising can also help to ease stress. So, if you’re currently going through a period of change or upheaval in your life, the very act of decluttering and tidying your space can help bring about feelings of calm and boost wellbeing.

However, making snap decisions when you’re already feeling emotionally vulnerable could cause regrets. You might need to give yourself time to process the end of the relationship or era before you clear out the things you negatively associate with the time.

But once, you’re feeling emotionally strong enough to experience those emotions again, you can look forward to the release that will come with letting go of the things are aren’t serving you.

When it comes to sentimental items, we worry that our memories are tied up in them and that we will forget the person or the period of time altogether if we don’t have that visual prompt. While items can and do act as a signifier of the time/person, our memories are stored in our minds, not within the thing.

So perhaps a photograph of the item would be enough of a visual reminder of those happy memories? That way, we’re not being confronted by the item each time we walk into our room – which may trigger complicated thoughts when we’re least expecting (or prepared for) it – and we can choose when we want to sit down and reminisce with the photo on our own terms.

When we’re grieving – for a person, era or relationship of any kind – emotions run high and it can be a confusing time. Showing yourself compassion no matter what feelings are thrown up is the key to processing your thoughts. And there’s no need to act quickly (unless you feel it would help) when it comes to dealing with possessions that are linked to the situation.

Give yourself the time and space to contemplate, consider and choose what items you want to carry with you and those that would, in any other situation, just feel like clutter to you.

Jarratt, C. (2013) The Psychology of Stuff and Things. [Online]. [Accessed 5th October 2023]. Available from: https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/psychology-stuff-and-things

Weist, B. (2017) 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think United States: Thought Catalog

How practicing gratitude can support a minimalist life

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| theoretical minimalist

Stress and anxiety can lead us to hoard. To take comfort in the things that surround us. We may come to rely on things to distract us and bring us happiness.

So when I began reading on the subject of gratitude, I soon realised the link this practice may have in supporting a person on their journey into minimalism – and into a happier life, for that matter.

Countless studies show that gratitude can boost happiness and reduce levels of stress and depression. When I read Janice Kaplan’s book ‘The Gratitude Diaries‘, one of the first pieces of information I bookmarked was this:

An article in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology evaluating all the literature in the field concluded that gratitude may have the highest connection to mental health and happiness of any of the personality traits studied. The conclusion: ‘Around 18.5 per cent of individual differences in people’s happiness could be predicted by the amount of gratitude they feel.’ Now, that made me stop. Being 18.5 per cent happier is a lot of happier.

Janice Kaplan, 2016, p.15

Janice Kaplan goes on to keep a gratitude diary throughout the year, applying gratitude to a variety of situations; relationships, work, health and, most interestingly for me, the stuff we own. Can gratitude really help us to want and need less?

In Joshua Becker’s book ‘The More of Less‘ the author tackles the topic of consumerism and how we are manipulated into filling our home with stuff and spending money we don’t have. Yet, even when we get the thing we want, we still aren’t satisfied.

Consumption never fully delivers on its promise of fulfillment or happiness. Instead, it steals our freedom and results only in an unquenchable desire for more. It brings burden and regret. It distracts us from the very things that do bring us joy.

Joshua Becker, 2016, p.47

The research of behavioural economist Tom Gilovich from Cornell University, supports Becker’s words. His findings discussed in Kaplan’s book showed, time and again, that material possessions are not as satisfying as we think they will be.

This is the very essence of what psychologists call the ‘Hedonic Treadmill‘. You want it. You acquire it. You’re not as happy as you thought you would be. You look for the next big thing.

You can avoid getting trapped in this materialistic cycle by practising gratitude. This keeps your focus on the things you DO have rather than the things you don’t have. It can help you feel satisfied and that you already have abundance in your life, without the need to acquire more.

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little

Epicurus – Greek philosopher

Psychology and neuroscience researchers from Baylor University concluded that “materialism has been consistently related to lower levels of life satisfaction”. As a result of Kaplan’s year-long experiment to maintain a grateful outlook, her life satisfaction increased and she realised that she didn’t need stuff in order to be happy:

Instead of trying to psychological holes of the soul with jewellery and clothes and cars, it’s better to use gratitude to make the emptiness disappear altogether. As an extra bonus, people who are grateful are less likely to yearn for the stuff that ultimately won’t add to overall well-being, anyway.

Janice Kaplan, 2016, p.110

HOW TO HARNESS GRATITUDE TO SUPPORT YOUR MINIMALIST JOURNEY

There are many things you can do bring gratitude into your life and boost your life satisfaction levels – here are just a few ideas:

  • Keep a gratitude journal. Write the details of events you were grateful for as and when they occur so that you can look back over them during less-than-grateful times.
  • Record three things you’re grateful for. Do this in your daily diary every night to record good things that happened. It might be a phone call with a friend, a lovely meal, working in a job you enjoy etc.
  • Make a list. Brain-dump all the things – and I mean ALL the things – you could be grateful for, from your ability to breathe to your favourite blend of tea.
  • Go for a walk and notice all the things you can be grateful for; the weather, your surroundings, those smiling faces, the convenient location of the local post office, the sunset.
  • Enjoy a bit of manifesting by feeling grateful for the things you will have over the years to come; your dream career, future family, the home you’ll build, strong mental health etc.
  • Actually say ‘thank you’ out loud when thinking about something you’re grateful for.

In Fearne Cotton’s uplifting book ‘Happy’, the author believes ‘the wheels of our economy are spun by the feeling that we don’t quite have enough’ (Cotton, 2017 p. 216). She suggests that gratitude is a great habit to learn in order to feel lucky rather than lacking.

Feeling gratitude – real, whole gratitude – comes in spontaneous waves when you’re on the edge of sheer bliss, where it feels only right to smile and beam a big THANK YOU or the simple things that lie in front of you. Saying it and really meaning it can massively awaken your senses and perspective to what there is in life to feel thanks for.

Fearne Cotton, 2017, p. 215

The author suggests exercises to harness gratitude including writing a gratitude list or diary, seeking out little things to appreciate each day, noting down small things you are grateful for to build up a bank of gratitude and eve thanking bad experiences for lessons learnt.

Have you experienced higher levels of life satisfaction after practicing gratitude. Do you keep a gratitude diary? Have you become less materialistic as a result? What other techniques can you suggest? I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments below.

Becker. J. (2016) The More of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own. Colorado: Waterbrook Press

Cotton, F. (2017) Happy: Finding joy in every day and letting go of perfect. London: Orion Spring.

Kaplan, J. (2016) The Gratitude Diaries: How a Year Looking on The Bright Side Transformed My Life. London: Hodder & Stoughton Ltd